Pain and Love
by KKartter
Summary: Matt's in love with Mello. Mello drops a major bomb. Matt is torn to shreds in pain and has no idea what to do. Matt's POV; Probably painful, it was painful for me to write at least.


**A/N: I don't usually write emotional stuff like this but I'm kinda depressed so I apologize. But fortunately, I got a ****(in my opinion anyway) **good fic out of it so that's good, right? Anyways, enjoy my pain.  


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**Matt**

Mello is my best friend. He has been ever since we met few years ago. But I'm also in love with him. And now I'm lost. So lost I don't even know what to do with myself; cry? I don't know if I even can. Let me explain...

Everything was totally fine, we were sitting, playing cards together and watching tv, just like we've done hundreds of times before, when the show we were watching featured two guys making out. Now, I'm one who doesn't really care about sexulity. I generally prefer girls but I do find some guys attractive, Mello being top of that list. However, Mello knows none of this. I haven't exactly kept it from him, it was just never relevant to bring up. I do admit however, watching the guys on the screen, was kinda hot.

Until Mello scoffed and turned his head away with an odd expression. I looked at him quizzically and he replied simply, "It's disgusting." Now Mello has never really been one for samesex couples, mostly making jokes at their expense but I never really thought he had _that_ much of a problem with it. However, I'm not going to lie, my heart dropped at those words.

"Why?" I heard myself question.

"I was raised to think that."

I literally didn't know how to respond. I just felt angry, and not knowing what to say, I didn't say anything. I just stared at the tv, avoiding his eyes.

But he noticed I was silent and poking me, he asked what was wrong. I told him that it was just what he said and that it just didn't make sense to me because the truth was too much to tell. Not even the truth of loving him but the truth of how badly his words hurt me.

So we began arguing. Him, trying to explain how it was wrong, unnatural. That a couple should be able to reproduce or it's just not right. And me, trying to explain that it was no different. That love is love no matter what form it was in. But as we argued, and I continued to fight back tears, he words just kept pushing into that cut he started. Going deeper into the wound, hurting more and more because he could never accept me and he could never understand the hurt I was feeling because of him, mostly because I just didn't know how to explain it.

It hurt so bad hearing those words. Maybe because I had never known how strongly he really felt about it. Maybe because he was my best friend and I thought I knew him better than this and it was just a slap in the face. Maybe it was because I loved him and this was just a bomb of realization that we would never, _ever_ be more than friends. Maybe the fact that I relied on him so much and looked up to him so much and maybe saw a life with him even if not romantic but I thought about us living together as roommates and best friends and now this could just be a huge divider wedged between us and I didn't want to lose him. Not ever.

And I was speechless. I didn't even know how to begin to explain the hurt and confusion I was feeling. The slap in the face. And I could feel tears sting at my eyes. So I sat quietly and he went back to watching tv, the program having changed to something more to his liking.

And I just sat there. Tears forming. Hands shaking. Mind swirling. Because really, what could I say. It was only a big deal to me. He didn't even realize how deep he cut and I hated not knowing what to do or say.

I announced that I would leave. Exactly _because_ I didn't know what else to do or say and it hurt so bad. And I knew I was close to breaking down and I had to get out of there. Mello hated crying people, I knew that, which is why I refused to let myself break in front of him. This wasn't the first time I had done this either.

"You're not really mad because of what I said, are you?" He questioned. And I wasn't. Just hurt and confused. And I didn't want to leave having him think I was mad. So I forced myself to answer and hoped with the few words, I wouldn't break down.

"No... Not mad. Just.. hurt." I could hear my voice trembling but there was nothing I could do about that. I packed up my stuff and left.

And I still don't know what to do. He cut deep; and I'm lost and hurt and confused.

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**A/N: This is a little thing that's based on my actual f*cked up life right now and not really knowing how to handle it, I did the one this I knew I could, I wrote. And I posted it because it's Matt and Mello and (in my opinion) still quite accurate in character, so I hope you enjoyed.**

**-Carter**


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